EPISODE 07
the moustache
Field Notes from the Front Lines of Florida’s Weirdest Wilderness
Welcome back to WILD WHIMSY with yours truly, Warrin Bicknell, keeper of nature's quirks and eccentricities—and proud bearer of the Western Hemisphere's most glorious mustache! Today, dear friends, I've donned my shortest of shorts and cape of fishnets as we plunge into the steamy depths of the Florida swamps, tracking tales of a creature so delectably odd it might make you wonder what else might lie waiting in these marshes.
Tales from the Trail
But first, allow me to introduce you to a few charming locals I've encountered on the trail.
Our first delightful monstrosity: the Moosquito (bosculicimex proboscidens), a mooing marvel of the Everglades that's part mosquito, part cow. Picture if you will, a buzzing bovine terrorizing hikers and picnickers alike, mooing plaintively through its needle-sharp proboscis! Majestic? Absolutely! Horrifying? Undoubtedly!
A bit of both? Naturally, friends, that's what we’re here for!
Toads, Tusks and Toxic Trouble
Venturing deeper into the lush foliage, what should cross my path but the majestic Blisterfang (bufoserra pustulax) a charming combination of a poisoned toad and a wild boar. Covered from snout to tail in pulsing pustules, this friendly fellow excretes a toxin potent enough to tranquilize an elephant or perhaps even a rowdy spring breaker.
Remember, my dear viewers, always approach pustule-covered wildlife with the utmost courtesy. And gloves!
Of Blossoms and Bones
Now, I must confess: this next encounter stole a little piece of my heart (figuratively, though who knows what’s truly safe around here?).
Behold, the Blueback Lanternbear (florursus craniipectus), a gentle giant of skeletal charm with blossoms sprouting from its spine like the world's most macabre bonsai tree. After exchanging pleasantries, we shared a delightful afternoon snack, and, well, things got rather personal. Let’s just say selfies were taken, flowers exchanged, and bonds forged.
In truth, I could have stayed there stroking that little guy forever. But eyes on the prize! I ventured onward, in search of the rumored reptilian beast we came to find.
Okay, one more of Lanternbear. Isn’t he just a dear? Now… ONWARD!
Featured Creature: Double the Heads, Double the Sass
Yet, dear adventurers, all roads led to the legend itself. Our Featured Creature for today: the Florida Dittohead Alligator (alligator bicephalovenator horridus).
At fifteen feet with two snapping heads, purple scales, and spikes sharper than my sartorial wit, this fearsome fellow was indeed an eyeful. Or rather, a pair of eyefuls?
In the presence of such terrifying grandeur, even my magnificent mustache felt momentarily inadequate, though naturally, its splendor quickly reasserted itself.
Just look at those glowing peepers! White hot as the setting sun!
Brought to you by Biopods (and Irony)
Throughout today's whimsical quest, one troubling theme became clear: all these remarkable creatures lurk dangerously close to a BetterEarth factory.
It seems their "clean energy compost capsules," or BioPods, may not be as environmentally friendly as advertised. Though far be it from me to spoil today’s festive mood with some serious concern, perhaps, just perhaps, we should reconsider the meaning of 'clean.'
After all, as the poet once wrote "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow." Or maybe that was Fleetwood Mac?
And thus, dear viewers, I leave you until our paths cross once again in nature’s carnival of wonders and woes. As always, don’t forget to like, subscribe, and respect the ‘stache.
Whimsy forever,
Warrin Bicknell
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